November 20th

Your words like finger prints
Unable am I to interpret the clues
Just memories that keep your existence consistent
If only I new it was true
and your heart still beats for me
without the lifeless stare
I'm denied my dignity
and hide in emails and pictures
How can I construct the future
When my thoughts are always captured
Imprisoned by your image
Forgotten by the world that turns
Days pass me before
I can even swallow

November 18th - War and Heaven

War is apart of our nature then we die and enter heaven where there is no war, leaving our nature behind us? (To be continued)

November 14th - Torn between worlds

I realize that I'm constantly trying to find my niche... a true connection to this world, I don't clearly understand my place, so I abjure from the simulation thinking I'll never find that bond to others.

I also realize there is this dichotomy between the connection we have to one another and the feeling of acceptation in matter of blending in. I can only interpret the contrast by means of analyzing the people I associate myself in these two very different worlds. The worlds being San Francisco and Chicago. Love is just too easy in Chicago while San Francisco takes work and determination. (To be continued)

Oct 6th

Sent her words of anxious pain
To only bring her guilt?
Make her feel?
To the extent that I
Unable to sleep
Yearning to die
Falling awake in a frightening world
Alone
Swallowed
Spit-up
Wish I was shallow
For the deep do not survive here
They fall here in the holes
Only as deep as their own
seas they swim
Searching for the unknown
To far away... is love?

The blanket is the same
Gentle hands tuck me in
I'm safe, protected
My body still pure
Before the world and I connected
Washed away my innocents
My desire for toy soldier play
I find this blanket with you
Here with you as our bare bodies rest
I'm innocent again
I'm pure
The child lives inside, breaths again
I forget the dirt stuck in my nails
Sick images I've collected over years
fall back into the closet of my mind
I can live again and look ahead
My days become brighter
You are there smiling back at me
Your hand reaches up for mine
Then I wake up

Oct 3rd

Sitting inside the sultry carriage of sin
Soul still lost and slowly losing more ambition
My body bare leaks all over
While I search for a new leaf
Something to help me forget
past times of perpetual bliss
She stole my everything and scurried
away far away to where aspirations are lost

Where her aspirations began
I couldn't own her
Only thrust myself deep inside of her
Whisper to her where to go, but she only looked away
Far away for I am little
and the world is grand
I loved her

September 25th - Coping

Its getting a tiny bit easier. Loneliness still shackled to my legs that have grown thin... my sentence is long. I yearn to be back in my city by the lake where arms there would embrace me again.

The empty hole all around me
Swallowing up any signs for escape
My body bunched up in a ball
Hiding from my failure, my mistakes
Thought that I can deal alone
Where is the strength?
Where is the confidence?
It took me here to success
Without her I am but a child
Lost in denial that I may be forgotten
Lost in denial that she is truly gone
Somewhere I cannot see
I dream more
Soothes me in this silence
Until eyes open and the emptiness reveals
My lone portrait captured by truth
She is gone and I must go on

September 22nd - She's gone

Its been 5 days since she left and my world is still in pieces. The pain so unbearable all I do is sleep. Daytime passes in minutes and my room lay silent. I wish I could put it back together, but she held it together for me. She was ambition, strength to conquer. I have nothing now to push me on. So I sleep. I try to fall back into beautiful days when her angelic skin blanketed my despair. Love is lethal for I lust for death right now.