November 21st

This feeling is complex and mere sadness can't elucidate it. The emotion buries itself deep within where it cannot be easily removed. At once I am alone far away and forgotten. The train left me on the wrong side of this world with my swollen eyes unable to dismiss the tears inside. Comfort never finds me and I am so tense. My holiday past long time ago where they waited for me to show my smile with arms spread, but now I am but a ghost. Here I am trying to put my finger on this guilt that consumes me as if many years ago I committed murder of that innocent child only as beautiful as my own. Did I drown him in that secret swamp hidden behind dead trees and beyond common roads?

November 20th

Your words like finger prints
Unable am I to interpret the clues
Just memories that keep your existence consistent
If only I new it was true
and your heart still beats for me
without the lifeless stare
I'm denied my dignity
and hide in emails and pictures
How can I construct the future
When my thoughts are always captured
Imprisoned by your image
Forgotten by the world that turns
Days pass me before
I can even swallow

November 18th - War and Heaven

War is apart of our nature then we die and enter heaven where there is no war, leaving our nature behind us? (To be continued)

November 14th - Torn between worlds

I realize that I'm constantly trying to find my niche... a true connection to this world, I don't clearly understand my place, so I abjure from the simulation thinking I'll never find that bond to others.

I also realize there is this dichotomy between the connection we have to one another and the feeling of acceptation in matter of blending in. I can only interpret the contrast by means of analyzing the people I associate myself in these two very different worlds. The worlds being San Francisco and Chicago. Love is just too easy in Chicago while San Francisco takes work and determination. (To be continued)

Oct 6th

Sent her words of anxious pain
To only bring her guilt?
Make her feel?
To the extent that I
Unable to sleep
Yearning to die
Falling awake in a frightening world
Alone
Swallowed
Spit-up
Wish I was shallow
For the deep do not survive here
They fall here in the holes
Only as deep as their own
seas they swim
Searching for the unknown
To far away... is love?

The blanket is the same
Gentle hands tuck me in
I'm safe, protected
My body still pure
Before the world and I connected
Washed away my innocents
My desire for toy soldier play
I find this blanket with you
Here with you as our bare bodies rest
I'm innocent again
I'm pure
The child lives inside, breaths again
I forget the dirt stuck in my nails
Sick images I've collected over years
fall back into the closet of my mind
I can live again and look ahead
My days become brighter
You are there smiling back at me
Your hand reaches up for mine
Then I wake up

Oct 3rd

Sitting inside the sultry carriage of sin
Soul still lost and slowly losing more ambition
My body bare leaks all over
While I search for a new leaf
Something to help me forget
past times of perpetual bliss
She stole my everything and scurried
away far away to where aspirations are lost

Where her aspirations began
I couldn't own her
Only thrust myself deep inside of her
Whisper to her where to go, but she only looked away
Far away for I am little
and the world is grand
I loved her

September 25th - Coping

Its getting a tiny bit easier. Loneliness still shackled to my legs that have grown thin... my sentence is long. I yearn to be back in my city by the lake where arms there would embrace me again.

The empty hole all around me
Swallowing up any signs for escape
My body bunched up in a ball
Hiding from my failure, my mistakes
Thought that I can deal alone
Where is the strength?
Where is the confidence?
It took me here to success
Without her I am but a child
Lost in denial that I may be forgotten
Lost in denial that she is truly gone
Somewhere I cannot see
I dream more
Soothes me in this silence
Until eyes open and the emptiness reveals
My lone portrait captured by truth
She is gone and I must go on

September 22nd - She's gone

Its been 5 days since she left and my world is still in pieces. The pain so unbearable all I do is sleep. Daytime passes in minutes and my room lay silent. I wish I could put it back together, but she held it together for me. She was ambition, strength to conquer. I have nothing now to push me on. So I sleep. I try to fall back into beautiful days when her angelic skin blanketed my despair. Love is lethal for I lust for death right now.

August 16th - Workaholic

Is it as stupid as it seems?
Am I mocked in my absence?
When my eyes look past today
My mind sits on a bench of mistake
Pondering there response to my presence
What do they perceive of my persistence
Trying to form my image in the reflection
Interpreted through body language
and silent nuances in there expression
My words to quick to project
Impulses so familiar only to my inadequacy
Stop listen, let them speak first
Don't let them know your weakness
They will tare you apart

You'll have to reconstruct
Eliminate the past
Embers of fictitious Eden
When I was smothered by sickness
Indulged in a fabricated state
Soaking the innocents all around
Searching for a drop of reality
but relentlessly reaching into puddles
of imagination and falling into
subterranean man holes hidden inside
Where I find even more dreams and extensive desire

Oh well you can take it
The job is tearing at my mind
Crawling over and poking me with sharp sticks
Reminding me I'm only as great
as the person who feeds me
Incompetent enough to bestow
meticulous work at my feet
that uses less than an ounce
of regular human brain power

I still can't stop
and let the wheels roll away
If I let it go I'll be lost
These dreaded images of what would be
Haunts me now and if I let them
corner me in my tunnel vision
when my attention locks to one road
that I thought was wrong
I'll only find when my heart falls apart
Yet again and my stomach spills
Across the sky covering the sun
and the day will be lost
Total confusion
I forget the smell of beautiful trees
The competition to reach the highest ground
But what is? You say you've been?

July 23rd

Slipping back into the world
The smooth sensation entangles
The warmth penetrates the soul
Another heart beat with my own
So righteous our pieces connect
The secret puzzle not so surfaced
Lay behind the trusting embrace
The desire is to never leave here
This place is flawless
Emotion simple
Easy as home
Your body bare
Meshed to mine
Stay forever
We sleep
Conjure bad dreams of losing you
Only to discover you again
Naked next to me
All of you
Exposed
No boundaries

4th of July

Bored at work
Thoughts are endless
when focus
stands still
suspended.
The equation circles,
never ending,
pulling me behind
to perpetually
dive into nameless waters
Where I swim
across bottomless, black seas
Hiding the bodies of those
Who couldn't swim as I
even though
my destined shores
are still not in sight.

May 28

Streets are naked
Except for the occasional crack addict
Lurking from out of crevices
Early birds catch the worms
Am I just a worm?
Constantly searching for a hole?
Or perhaps an apple to dwell in?
Are you my apple?

June 24th

Shall you find everlasting smiles
Beyond the day and many tomorrows
Echoing the pulchritude in your presence
The energy pulsating in your perspective
Engulfing lands beyond lands
Accreted the endless notion
Catapulting you closer to those stars
Perhaps where you came from
Perhaps where you are going again
Leaving all those to marvel and ponder
Where you went
I will wonder
Will I ever get that far?
I will celebrate you
and thank the universe for bestowing such an experience
To lay eyes upon you
Feel you from inside and out
To let your voice sigh words that gently caress me
The taste of you I will never forget
An eternal impression
Thanks for letting me in

May 17th

Mind is maliciously multiplying
Cannot land my grip on it
Thoughts are half created and collapsing
From the ferocious echoes of visions
Visions of far, near and just passed
Never too far away never too small
Swallowing my consciousness and belching
The after taste lingers and haunts
Smells of fear and insecurities
That shatter my day and stay
Picking at the corners of my brain
I want to cleans and be free
Escape the secret dark enemy
but the enemy is me
More than just a mirror physical image
More than an idea
More than a dream
Waiting for me to lose touch
Lose ground and fall into the crack
The holes in life are real
Watch your step

June 14th

Damn... Haven't written for weeks. So I've successfully found a cool place in the Mission to live. I'm stoked, but its expensive, but what isn't here in San Francisco? I can't say things are going anything less then spectacular with Hilary. Everyday I dread her departure so I keep it locked away in the back of my mind. Here in the park its beautiful. Hippies playing Frisbee, climbing trees, tourists taking pictures, listening to steady harmonious thumping of bongos and smelling the herbs in the sweet summer air... geez I'd really like to smoke some right and get rid of this malicious hang-over haunting the dark corners of my mind. At the bar last night with her forking out a lot of loot when we go out, but different then usual I never feel like its a waist. I keep reminding myself that soon she'll be gone. I pretend she appreciates my kind gesture, but the sacrifice is never in vain... eventually I'll be alone again in this crazy ass city. My thoughts keep circling my story ideas, like the graphic novel of my adventures here in this mysterious city only symbolic of San Francisco, but I could ad vampires and werewolves to it... Although that could only be too Brett Easton Ellis, but a writer always uses his inspirations. I'll keep brainstorming.

Why waiste the energy on worry?
Sitting on edge awaiting that morning glory
Just more time slipping
Feet still on the ground
You stand with head up staring
To a future that can be
But did you forget to smell the sea?
and listen to the trees
They've watched you here dream
Unable to help when you had fallen between the seams
and dark places between the roads
Where we receive our scars and begin to grow
So breath the air, for when your time comes
You will already be so far
Never forgetting who you are
and stop looking up to the stars
Keep moving, never get stuck
In what could of been

May 26th

I think of you bare letting me inside. Your door is wide open and I penetrate with tumid presence pulsating. Your reaching out all around screaming feel me as I trace the contours of your walls with all my thousand hands searching for the light switch.

May 22nd

This is a good beer I'm drinking... sitting at the bar with a cold perspiring Chimay. Just left my girl about 20mins ago. Should I say my girl? She is her own person... a gypsy of sorts and soon will journey away. Perhaps that is why I'm so stuck on her? Stuck on her... thoughts locked on her bouncing off every angle of her various dimensions. My mind projecting film strips... I'm always looking for the fucking off button. Why is her majestic pulchritude so prevalent in every nuance perpetuating me in this perfect day where I am so far away yet so home? So if she leaves me this could be a test of it. Why wait if out and watch it fail? Lets wait and see if we meet again and then we could really know... so lame, but this has always been out of our own power. I could only imagine that we would only find ourselves a little more in time. I could not take back my heart from her. I give it away like something that only weighed me down anyway. With her its safe and nobody else will be able to break it. It soaks into her skin and sleeps in her soul.

May 16th - Pisces

The Pisces tend to be in their own world
We self absorb, self-loath and feel inadequate
We compensate our aggression with a friendly manner
Too busy to see your problems and dwell on our own:

Keep in tune with a vivid view
Something so unsung yet locked
behind my tunnel vision pushing
the petty concerns in front of me

To feel so on, not missing the bus
been so long still suffering
long behind passed my past
nothing but sand between my toes

I was blind with this infected spine
never left my by that lake
Ventured to a place to pursue
my passion for that vine
A second growth to aspire
Fighting my sick drive to UN-inspire
My mind is a fucked up place
Looking deeper and deeper all the time

May 14th

Speak to me and let me know
Your mind is trivial and your stare holds secrets
Echoes penetrate my focus
Your eyes of wonder center spontaneously
Sometimes unable to find you
I explore you endlessly

By breath is stolen then I stutter
and rush to shadows so they cannot see me
If they discover I am weak I'll be forgotten
My desire; to be a man
Unable to swallow who I am
Perhaps no more than a dreamer
Always looking beyond the moment until you were there

Wild eyes that journey so far
Let me know the way to your island
Let me inside your gates
My desire has a sharp jagged tip
It stabs at me and chisels consistently
A deep hole in my soul

May 13th - Wine

Monastrell

Monastrell is sweet in the nose
In the mouth I find sex
It fucks my mind and I release stress
It sucks my tongue with smooth tannins
As I lick her latex pants
Her fruit is slight but earth embodies long
I spit the dirt drizzled with hoisenberry drops
And miss the recently tantalizing memories of her passing

Rhone

Remind me walking alone
I was but a young lad
and the land was so old
smelling of years of hard work and mold

Days so long full of sweat
When I drink I sip and sink
The land is worn and earth is ripe and sweet
Dreams fly by only to be reborn with time
and tomorrow but a swallow
and the morning is dry
Spice is subtle
My palette is tucked and put to sleep
Let me go I'm falling so deep
Your more then a place... where wine is home
My heart died there many life times ago

May 10th

Endlessly I question my urge to ponder
Inside this mind
Digging deep
Searching for an answer
In past pictures
Was there something I missed?
Experiencing backwards
Reaching for God in days that have gone
So young
Needed to escape
Before puberty I indulged
Sadness was sweet
Made nest of it
Learned Loneliness
To accept defeat
Obsess in love
Even before
I knew her
Without seeing
Who I am
Infatuated with death
Why we live
When we die
In the middle we lose
To spend every day getting it back

May 9th

Its twenty to ten... thinking about you still and the anonymity of your mind. What is that your feeling when my image crosses your mind? Do I matter or am I just a temporary pet? Just entertainment to pass the time until you leave again? Its good with you... the way you feel and smell. You can be innocent at times, but your mind is more complex and you offer an array of simulations mysteriously slipping from underneath the layers with time. I miss you right now. Your sweet kisses are captivating and your skin so soft eases my soul. I need to stop thinking of you before my days pass me by and I lose myself.

The city is screaming
It smells of desperation
Reaching for innocents to consume
Chew on and swallow softly
Before you know it
Your inside the mouth
It tastes the sweetness of your sweat
Because you desire
To be taken

May 4th

I left work stoned. Smoked a spliff with the bartender before I left the restaurant. Good herbs. Ever so determined to rescue my bike I focused only on that as I rushed to its location. My poor old Peugeot road bike locked up alone at Mission and 20th... been there for three days being rained on. Felt good to see it when I arrived. Somehow I new it would be there so I wasn't too ecstatic, but just "good". It was raining, but i did not ride... I felt good. The rain was soft, it tickled my skin. I thought of her sleeping alone and if she missed me there holding her. The bus passed, but I did not think to ride, I felt strong and the rain wasn't soaking me and no wind gave me chills. The ocean breeze gave will to gentle rain drops that poked my skin like a thousand tiny fingers and whispers making me feel alive, undone and un-alone. There, walking after midnight towards downtown on the Mission. A mission to get me home, but not my home. Still haven't found it and I let myself to ease since I foretell it to be a long journey full of many words away... until I find peace. Not to mention you tend to get more wet when you ride when the drops hit you at a faster rate. Take it easy they tell me... stop trying so hard, let life have its way, don't fight it. I will give you just enough to carry, enough burden that you can can bare and push through. Then I thought of her again and wondered if my text messages were really lame earlier? Did I lose some chance to connect with her because of degenerate vocabulary? Perhaps I'm just stoned?

May Memories

So hard to say
So hard to show
Feelings of long times
Never seem to go
I tried to say
I tried to show
But I couldn't look into your eyes
You have been a stranger
Through my years and I didn't know
Still to this day who you are
More then just an old man
In my youth I feared you
The unknown in the shadows of your stare
Blood shot eyes
Unpredictable
Sometimes I sat on you lap
You would let me sip your Old Style beer
Tasted much better than

Fell for her in April

Pain, let me sleep
I fell into that forgotten April fountain
To drown the lust of her
I want her
Every night close my eyes to dream of her
Naked with her
I'd thrust inside of her
Only in these thoughts
Never did she see me
Never did I stay in her mind?
Now I sleep
Hoping to be awake and rid of her

Finding myself in Calfornia

The sentiments are in the fresh air filling me
Absorbed with ease and then possessing me
When the one who found you
Then abandons you rather to walk alone
You bath in despair
Sinking somewhere underneath
Hiding from laughter
Hiding from those who stare
But in this we find truth
In our bounty
For what was missing
From our stories
The answer to the equation
The conclusion to that dream
Why we question the road we are on

A March Poem

Is this just a phase
This metamorphic maze
Like a caterpillar I cocoon
To await for my escape root
But in my hibernation I'm changing
Unknowingly, secretly and silently
When I awake to their gaze
Am I not what their expecting
Has it truly been so many days
Where am I right now?
Where did I lose touch?
Understand my mind?
The anonymity of my focus;
This wondering eye
Is just atrocious
Looking back
The days are now lost
Most reach for the future
While I stay here in this eternal maze